Date:	2005-10-31 22:23
Subject:	Can I be honest?
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	jewel

This mental stability shit is for the birds.

I don't think people can be mental stable. God bless my friends, but we seriously are crazy. Why else do we get such a kick out of acting retarded? Or jumping from the table onto a mattress in the hallway? Because we are mentally unstable.

I'm actually opposed to being mentally stable because I don't think I ever will be. Sometimes I feel like I get close and then some kid attacks me and now I can't sleep. When I try I have nightmares and wake up.

So I take sleeping pills, but that doesn't help me feel rested. They create more of a drunken slumber. And besides I don't want to get addicted to sleeping pills. That would totally suck and I'm through with things that suck.

Any ideas? Anybody?

So I'm pretty shitty at updating lately. I know this. I'm pretty shitty at responding to e-mails too. But here's something worthy of an update.

And let me start by saying I'm okay.

Yesterday at work one of my kids flipped because he was told he couldn't go trick or treating anymore. There's a history of mental illness with the boy but he also has ruled the roost in his home for quite a while. As his parents have started enforcing consequnces he has started throwing bigger and bigger fits to scary them into saying "OK we can do it your way."

I'm not his parents and I'm there to stick to the rules. Which means parents are parents and kids are kids. Kids don't make the rules. Parents do. And if they don't. I do. (I feel like such a bad ass when I explain that to kids.)

Anyway, this boy realized I wasn't going to give to name calling and him breaking things. So he went and got a knife and came after me.

I didn't get hurt and the police showed up. But I was scared. More scared then I've been in a long time. But the funny thing is that I wasn't scared then. I was scared after. After the police got there and my job was done, I was terrified of what could have happened. But in the moment I was completely calm and rational.

But when it was done, I called my mom and went home. And my dad brought me home a coloring book like he used to do when I was younger because he said he "couldn't think of anything else to make it better."

Turned out to be a good night with the parents. I'm still kind of freaked, but I'm going to be okay. I'm done with my Halloween pranks though. Someone even pretends to try to attack me and I will drop them to the ground. Say I won't.

I'll update more. I promise.

Date:	2005-08-05 18:32
Subject:	I feel the need for a shout out
Security:	Public
Mood:	grateful
Music:	nothing

I think people can tell when I'm angry, especially when I get upset at them. In fact, most of my best friends thought I was a total bitch when they first met me. But I don't think that people realize when I like them and respect them. I guess I don't tell them that as much as I should. Which is sad because I always make sure to let the kids at camp know when I notice the smallest thing positive in their behavior. Not that my friends are like little kids.

I sidetrack.

The point is this week has been fantastic. I have felt on top of my game. I have a new job. I've kept in contact with JB. I feel like I'm getting something out of therapy and headed in the right direction. I'm still on a high from DC.

I had a great time in DC. Really and truly. And it's because I wasn't trying to be someone I'm not and there was no need for me to try and be mature, or boss like or pure. I was just me. . .crazy, mentally unstable at points, 23 years old me. And god was it relaxing to be that person and not feel judged.

But what was even better is that I felt more in love with myself than ever before because the people I was with loved me for being that person. And I loved the people I was with for more reasons that I could ever count. Not just because for some reason they think I'm great. (Even though that's always a bonus!)

Some of these people know that I care tremendously about them: Kristy, Gareth, Paddy, Kelly (who I randomly call at 4:00 AM to say I miss). Others probably not so much. But there's definetly one who has stood out. I feel like I've only gotten to know her when I haven't been consumed with camp, like nights off and session breaks. But Chris is fantastic. Very different from a lot of people I've known, but a good different. Like we could sit and not say anything and just watch people and make observations. Like she totally understands my passion for theatre and why it's important for kids to have some exposure to it. But it goes beyond that too. She's just fun to be around and hang out with. She's not going to run around crazy and be a Bellevue whatever. She's a cool girl and I'm very glad I got to know her more.

And I've been thinking that for a while and also thinking how I never really told Chris that I think she's awesome. And I read her myspace where she said some really nice things about me and I knew I should say something. Not to return the favor but because I mean it. So a special shout out to Chris . . . who is not an asshole and handles being the butt of jokes very well.

More to come later on some developements in my lif, but this was more important.

Date:	2005-08-04 14:49
Subject:	The good ol' days
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	the dog

When ever I watch a re-run of Dawson's Creek I remember how much I love Pacey and Joey together.

I want to marry Pacey Witter. Totally.

Date:	2005-08-03 22:18
Subject:	Oh man. . .
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy
Music:	my dad, snoring, asleep to Law and Order

Well I got offered a job here in Louisville as a social work case manager. It's as close to being a school social worker as I can get with out a degree. It will be perfect experience and a pay check and everything I've wanted. I'm excited for the position.

But sad, because in the mean time I've been teaching 4 year olds at a preschool and I love it. I have absolutely loved planning lessons and making arts and crafts projects and being with kids again. Sadly it doesn't pay very well and there's no benefits, so I couldn't do it forever. But I've had a great time.

Anyway, enough of that. DC was fantastic! I had a great time, surrounded by my friends. When I look back at pictures or read Kristy's journal I just start laughing. And I should probably give a shout out to Chris since we've been reading each other's journals and not knowing it.

Tomorrow is August 4th. For those of you who remember it's my fourth year of being in remission. One more year to go and I'm considered officially cured. I remember sitting outside complaining that five years was forever and I'd never make it, simply because it was so far away. And now it seems like yesterday that I marked the date down. Four years. I'm almost there. Not that it was anything compared to what other people go through with cancer, but still. . .

Anyway that's it for here. Just chilling. . . .

Date:	2005-07-25 09:52
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	3 doors down

It's not even 10 AM and the temperature in Louisville is 102 degrees. I'm not even kidding.

Tonight, I am hanging out with a certain boy again. Tomorrow I don't know what's going on. Don't know about Wednesday either, but Thursday. . .

THURSDAY I GO TO DC AND HANG OUT WITH CAMP PEOPLE.

Awesome!

Went out Wednesday with Brett. Heading out tonight with him. . . .

Such a great guy.

Date:	2005-07-20 17:22
Subject:	Another Update Anyone?
Security:	Public
Mood:	okay
Music:	cosby show

I'm really horrible at this livejournal thing.

So I was in a sleep away treatment facility for a while. My terapist thought it was a good idea, something to jump start my "healing process." It wasn't too bad. Not exactly how I pictured spending my first week back, but not too bad. It did sort of jump start things I think. They always say that in regards to therapy it gets worse before it gets better, so at least while it was getting worse I was someplace where I could get better quicker.

They let you out for church but I don't think they realized that Mormon church goes for three hours because after an hour they deemed me a run away. When I got back they were going crazy wondering where I was and I told them church and asked if they had many Mormons with mental breakdowns before.

The answer was no.

But it was really helpful. I've come to terms with somethings. Some days are still hard, but I know that it's going to be a long process. So many times in my life I've expected immediate results and expected them as well. This time I'm not and I know that's a huge step.

Sometimes I miss camp like crazy. Just the summer time stuff and being with the kids. Not the off season things or some of the people, but some stuff. . .I miss like mad. Kristy fills me in but sometimes it makes me really sad to know that is over and done with forever.

On the other hand, I have a job here at a restaurant and I got another one yesterday at a preschool which I am pretty sure I am going to take. I've meet some really nice people here, including one boy who I think very highly of. He's 29 and a dentist. He's just a super nice guy. Like super nice, sweet, attractive guy. All of his friends think the world of him. His birthday was the other day and he invited me to dinner with everyone. Super sweet guy.

But who knows. . .I'm make sure to update on things when something happens. In a week I head to DC to hang out with some of the crew on their break. I want to go to Philly and see some of the people there, but my thearpist doesn't recommend it. She doesn't think I'm emotionally ready to see Rick just yet. I would have to agree.

But otherwise, I'm doing okay. And I hope everyone else is too.

Date:	2005-07-08 21:55
Subject:	It's about time for an update I guess. . . .
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained
Music:	television

I've had a mental breakdown.

I wish I was kidding, but unfortunately I'm not. Kristy mentioned it in her journal, but I resigned from camp and I am back in Kentucky.

I haven't been myself lately and I haven't been happy in a very long time. So the opportunity arose and I knew I needed to leave camp. It was sad to leave, but on another hand. . .it wasn't. I was surprised by how easy it was to walk away.

I came home and started therapy immediately. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress and anyone who has been in therapy can tell you the beginning is the worst. They want to bring up everyhting that has ever happened to you, so it gets worse before it gets better.

This morning I was checked in for a week long treatment for an eating disorder. It's supposed to be a week, but it may be longer. My days consist of group therapy, individual therapy and more therapy.

I was hoping to go to DC and live there until next September and start school at the University of Penn, but I think I am going to stay in Louisville until next September. I think it's time I relax and focus on me for a while and get my ass in gear.

I think it goes with out being said but I don't want to whole world to know I've gone off the deep end. I think my friends should know and I appreciate the support I've recieved so much. But I don't want everyone to know. I feel like I failed in life. I have no job, I am back in my parents house and am depressed. But I did think all of you should know.

Shavon, I'm sorry I didn't call you on your birthday. It's no excuse, but camp was crazy and stressful and I just pushed everything else out of the way. I'm really sorry.

That's it for now. I only have so much computer time. But I'll keep you all updated.

Date:	2005-06-24 12:25
Subject:	Camp Life
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	sister act 2

So of course, the year I meet someone who I think is a great guy. . .who makes me laugh and makes me feel funny and pretty and wonderful I can't date him. Because I am the boss. But then again I'm not stressing out either over getting together with him, because I know it's not an option until the last day. But I think he's fantastic. I really do and I love watching him with kids because he's good at what he does. But damn, sometimes I want to make out with him.

So there's the upside to camp. I think there's a wonderful boy. The downside is that I think I suck. I'm not a good leader. I'm not doing a good job. I have no idea what I'm even doing and I feel like I'm just watching Keryn and Daria and trying to keep up with them. Which is impossible. I feel like I'm failing at everything. I'm not a good example. I'm not adult or mature or anything. I'm just a big poser. And it sucks and I'm so tired of realizing I'm not in the right place and feeling like I'm never going to be good at something.

Sometimes I just want to get up and leave and go some where new where no one knows me and I can just start over new.

But then I think of Shaheen and how gorgeous he is . . .

I'm kidding.

Date:	2005-06-17 16:49
Subject:	Porn and Masterbation
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	keryn and cary

A few weeks ago I met this guy at a church function and he seemed alright and was really cute so I gave him my e-mail address. We've been e-mailing each other lately and yesterday he sends me a FIVE PAGE E-MAIL on his addiction to masterbation and pornography. No joke. I've known him for about three weeks. Only exchanged a couple of e-mails with him. He's told me I'm beautiful and invited me out to Utah and now he informs me of his pornography and masterbation addiction. Let me hop on the next plane. PLease.

Camp is going really well. It's the last day of staff training. The staff is fantastic. Orginally I called them "my staff" because it signified they were under me instead of Rick or Jim. Now I call them "my staff" just like I would call the kids "my kids." It's affection. It's admiration. It's a strong feeling of respect and love for the people and why they are here. I am excited to see them in action and I look forward to the best summer.

I am with out words, seriously. I was so nervous and concerned and all that has been banished. I am the happiest camper in the world. Really.

I am excited for camp. It has taken a while to set in, but I am officially excited. A bit nervous, but more so excited. I want it to be here now. . .Thursday seems a bit far away.

I love having Kristy and Katie here. Makes life fun.

Date:	2005-06-06 14:34
Subject:	Yea for Kristy Lynn (Anne?) Bruno
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	beautiful diaster

I was driving around today with Kristy and I felt an overwhelming sense of joy in my heart for her.

Lately I've been feeling icky. . .just not happy and like there isn't someone around here who I consider a true friend. But today when I was with Kristy, joking around, dancing in the car I thought to myself "I like who I am. I like myself and where I am."

And I wanted to tell Kristy thank you, but some how I didn't think she'd understand just how much having her here with me meant. Tell her I loved having her here just wanted enough.

For the first time in a long time I felt happy, carefree and satisified. And it's all due to Kristy and how she lets me know, with out saying a word that she likes me just the way I am too.

Date:	2005-05-31 08:44
Subject:	This is insane. . . .
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful
Music:	kelly clarkson

Every girl wants to loose weight. I'm not going to pretend that isn't me, but I now want to stop. Starting in January I would get stomach aches after I ate. I ignored it and just kept going about my buisness. It then started getting worse. I would feel like I would have to vomit after I ate, which then progressed into vomitting every time I ate. Eat a meal or a snack and an hour later, I'd vomit.

I started to lose some weight and the stomach aches weren't getting any better, so I went to the doctor. They said it was diabetes. Then they ran more tests and said it was an allergy to sugar and white flour. But when I stopped eating those things my stomach would still get upset and I would even vomit.

Went into the doctor again and they said they needed to do some surgery and fix my esphogus and stomach which is damaged from all the vomit. This was last Wednesday that I had the surgery, where they discovered that I have ulcers as well. And they put me on a new diet! Ready for this one: No sugar, no white flour, no caffine, no chocolate, spearmint, pepermint, citrus fruits or juices, no tomato products, no seasoning or spices, no fried or fatty foods, no milk, no oils, no chewing gum.

Which means I can have plain chicken and whole wheat pretzels. And that's all I've eaten for the past week.

I have however, lost 40 lbs. But have you seen the movie Thinner? That's me. I just keep losing weight and if I eat things I shouldn't I throw up, which doesn't help me gain weight, but if I eat what I should, how can I gain weight off of plain chicken?

My clothes have all been safety pinned to stay on. My boobs are completely gone and my ribs are visible on my chest and back. I am almost (almost, not yet though I assure you) under 100 lbs.

If I were six inches taller I could be a super model.

But hey! Tomorrow is my birthday!

Date:	2005-05-27 13:07
Subject:	Oh Hercules. . .
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	bitches and hoes

Jim's dog Hercules is a dumb, dumb dog. Sometimes he's sweet, but in reality his one stand out characteristic is his stupidity.

Yesterday he was in Jim's room (on the second floor of our house) when he noticed another dog being walked down the street. So Hercules (living up to his name) bust through the window in Jim's room and proceeds onto the roof of the overhang on our house. So Hercules is running around on the roof and when the little dog gets closer, Hercules jumps off the roof.

A good twenty feet to the ground.

And lands surprisingly on the ground. Then he takes off to play with the little dog.

Hercules was fine until about 6 PM last night when he started wimpering and limping. He hurt his paw and we all listened as Jim called the vet and said, "My dog is hurt, when do you think I could get in to see a doctor? . . . .it's his left, front paw and he won't walk on it. . . .well, he jumped off the roof this morning. . . .20 feet at least. . . .no, he jumped. . . .he pushed through a window. . . no I promise he did it all on his own."

Hilarious!

I love going to google and googling people's names. .. .you find out some real good dirt.

Date:	2005-05-13 14:05
Subject:	Whoa. . .wasn't expecting that
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	REM

I called Kristy today to tell her "happy graduation." And when I asked her if she was happy or sad or nervous or excited, she said "yes." And then she said, "But it's still going to happen no matter what."

And the tears just came to my eyes because I remembered that feeling and walking away from SIU for the last time, with the snow falling around me and wondering when I would ever be surrounded by these people ever again.

I have missed everyone so much the past several weeks. I miss Les and Bert and hanging out and feeling so loved. I miss the theatre people and the crazy parties. I miss Shavon and Kristy and how we could have adult conversations but then act retarded and burn things the next.

I was sad because I knew as long as Kristy was at SIU I could come visit and see everyone but now she'll be gone and a lot of other people too. So the end of an era has defintiely ended. And I know that's it's scary not to know exactly what you are doing and where your life is going becuase I'm feeling that now. In November, or maybe even before that I am going to leave this job and I don't know where I will end up going. And it's scary.

Sometimes I really wish I could go back to those days in Smith Hall, eating Doritos (Baked, mind you) and being totally ridiculous in the hallways before heading out for a party with everyone.

Life sucks sometimes how it just keeps on a-going. Before I know it I'm going to be 30 something years old.

Date:	2005-05-12 09:40
Subject:	Yea for Thursday!
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	Nothing

Katie Ogan arrives at 4:11 PM today! Yea for Katie Ogan!

Date:	2005-04-29 09:08
Subject:	What will I do today?
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	Breathe AM

Yesterday I went to the gym and I was wearing a t-shirt and a long sleeve shirt. I start running on the tread mil and once I get really hot, I take off my long sleeve shirt and hang it over the side of the tread mil.

After some more time running, I grab my towel to wipe off my face. The towel knocks down my shirt and I almost fall over it. Then you hear "THUM THUD THUMP" and smell this horrid burning smell. I stop the tread mill, turn around and my shirt is stuck half under, half over and half out of the tread mill and the burning smell is still quite strong.

It took two of us about forty five minutes to cut, rip and tear the shirt out from the treadmil. This included unscrewing and taking apart part of the machine. Part of my shirt was melted on to the tread mil. Don't ask me how, it just was.

The best part is that Keryn and Gareth were there and they were cracking up. The rest of the people at the gym thought it was pretty funny too with the excpetion of one older woman who thought I could have been seriously hurt and didn't like that everyone was laughing.

Hilarious.

Date:	2005-04-28 14:25
Subject:	Sometimes I have the world's best job
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	2 AM

Yesterday the weather was warm and clear, so Rick and I grabbed fishing poles and went fishing in our back yard pond. After a while, we had only caught one fish, so we decided to get out the canoes and canoe to the middle of the pond. It was nice and relaxing and while we didn't catch another fish it was nice to think we were in a canoe in our pond in our backyard, fishing.

We went back to shore after a while and Rick climbed out with the fishing gear and his oar. I handed him mine as well and started to climb out when he pushed the boat away from shore. So off I went into the pond with no oar, and no ability to swim (and no desire as well). After about fifteen minutes, which the boys were laughing on shore I took off my life jacket and paddled back using it as an oar.

It was pretty funny.